The Perfect Day

The day starts off perfect. The sunrise that morning looks radiant and bold. It is the start of a new day, a new chance for happiness. The sky looks magnificent and it still has gorgeous shades of orange and pink. The sight is Instagram perfect. The sun, just barely visible from a distance, looks powerful and confident. Nothing can stop it from shining. It can do anything it wants. The sun is clear and well defined and it seems likes there is nothing wrong with it. However if you just look a little closer, there is a haze. A haze only visible if you observe and pay attention. A haze that just would not go away no matter what.

She wakes up energized and happy and she knows that her day is going to be perfect. She is planning to go eat lunch and then to meet up with a friend who she hasn’t seen in a long time. Afterword they are going to get dinner and spend the rest of the night ‘studying’. She has been picturing this day in her head for awhile now. She is eager and excited. After she gets ready, she walks to the dining hall which is located on the other side of campus and crosses by the old but beautiful buildings. The university is over a hundred years old and whenever she walks through campus she feels like she is part of something bigger, like she is part of a legacy. She walks past the science building, the gym, other dorms, and the counseling center building.

Sometimes she thinks about going to counseling. People say that counseling is beneficial and that it’s a great resource but she isn’t convinced. She is aware of the stigma against mental illness and is scared that she will get diagnosed as mentally ill or mentally crazy as society would say. She does not want to be defined by depression. But she sometimes she thinks that she might have a problem. Her emotions would sometimes spiral out of control, one minute she was happy and the next minute she was sobbing. She feels like she has no control over her emotions and her thoughts. But her problems are not important or serious enough to get help. She can handle it on her own.

She puts that thought aside. It is too much to think about. She just wants to live in the moment and in this moment she is walking to the dining hall enjoying the scenery and she will enjoy her lunch in peace. At the dining hall she gets her favorite lunch items. A salad with some pasta and cereal for dessert. She is still happy and after lunch she goes back to her room. The day is great so far.

And then she calls her dad.

Her dad lives in another country but she tries to call him every day despite the time difference. He goes on business trips a lot which is why he lives outside of the house. Sometimes she wishes he could just be at home. It would definitely be easier on her mom. But he has to do what he has to do for their family. During the call she notices that something is wrong with him. He tells her that there is some financial trouble in their family business. He says that even though there is nothing to worry about, her mom (who also works in the company) is still nervous about the money and is mad at him. Whenever her mom gets stressed or worried, she says awful things to her dad. Even though the girl knows that her parents aren’t going to get a divorce or separate, it's still hard for her to see her parents fight. She just wants the fighting and the yelling to stop. Whenever she knows that her mom or dad are hurting, she always feels like crying. Her one wish is that she could simply snap her fingers and make the fighting go away. If she could just snap her fingers, she would wish for everything to be over, all the fighting, all her problems.

When situations get seriously bad, she just wants to travel back to her childhood and relive that age forever. It was a time when her parents never had huge arguments. A time when her parents always told her that they loved her and just hearing that meant the world to her. She used to always have fun learning during school and would always play with her friends after school. Looking back at this period in her life, she knows that this was her age of miracles. It is a miracle that she felt loved and happy every day during the most important years of her life. Her experiences as a child were truly a series of blessings that God has given her. And it is a miracle that she has great memories to hold on to and to cherish forever. Most children don’t get this blessing. While she is grateful for her childhood, she misses this time in her life. She misses all the laughter, the friendships, and the love that seems to have disappeared. That happiness doesn't come often anymore.

No she can’t think like this. She refuses to think like this. She starts to tear up but she can’t cry. She won’t cry. She is talking to her dad and she knows that she has to be strong for him. He will tell her to not worry about this and to focus on her studies. To be able to focus, she decides to put all her emotions in a box and tries to throw the box away. But sometimes that box refuses to leave and always finds its way back to her. She tries to hold onto hope because it seems like that’s all she has left.

Her father reassures her that everything will be fine and not to worry about the money. The business is just going through a mini slump like businesses regularly do. He says that her mom is just paranoid and stressed about many things and is taking out her frustration on him. ‘Everything will be okay,’ he says. Since she knows this about her mom, she believes him. But she has to get straight A’s in school. She has to do whatever it takes to pass all her classes. If she works hard in school, then all of her parents’ pain and suffering will be alleviated. She has to fulfill all of her parents’ dreams for her. One day her parents will be proud of her and be happy. She will make sure of it.

She tells her father that she loves him and hangs up. She sees the scar on her hand and starts to pick at it again. No she can’t do this. It will only make the scar worse and more permanent. She tells herself that she is going to meet her friend and everything will be alright. Everything has to be alright

It is now 3 PM and she decides to do some homework before she meets up with her friend. She just has to finish some chapters of Heart of Darkness for one of her classes. The reading is very dense, so she takes a break and checks Snapchat. She regrets this instantly. Every time she opens Snapchat, she sees her friends having so much fun in their room being goofy and silly. They would always snap things with inside jokes that she doesn’t understand. While she is happy that her friends are having fun, she always wants to hang out with them rather working. However she sometimes believes that she can’t connect with her friends. She doesn’t always understand the jokes and she can’t sing spontaneously. She feels like an outsider all the time.

Then her friend texts her saying that she can’t make it. ‘Of course’ she thought. She shouldn’t be disappointed because she should have expected this. Her friend has done this before and it always hurts. It is never ill-intended but she still feels like a fool for expecting her to show up. She just wanted to believe that this time would be different. She always wanted hope that they can still be friends after so many years. This friend was her very first friend and her best friend growing up, so she always wanted to maintain that friendship.

She thinks about her often and their memories together as children. She would look back at all the games and all the sleepovers they had over the years. This was a time when life was simpler and happier. Her parents were happy and she just got a new baby brother. She got good grades and had lots of friends. This was her golden age, the happiest time in her life. However happiness does not last forever and everything started to go wrong in her life. She was bullied in school and no one in her class stood up for her, not even her teacher. Her parents were struggling through the 2008 financial crisis and she thought that they were going to lose their home. She felt so alone and felt like she had no one to talk to. When it feels like the world is ending, she would hold onto those sweet memories and would never let them go. Happy memories don’t come very often anymore so she cherishes the ones she still has. All those bus rides talking, and all the birthdays celebrated and all the time spent together means everything to her even to this day. But it is better to leave the past in the past. It’s the only way to avoid getting hurt.

She replies to her friend, ‘Don’t worry about it. Hopefully we can meet up soon again’. Her friend responds ‘Yeah definitely I would love to’. She then replied ‘Let me know when you are free’. She did not get a response after that. She looks back at Snapchat and sees all her friends having a good time while she is alone in her room. Why can’t she have all that? She just wants someone to care about her. She just wants at least one person who she can tell all her secrets and problems to. Just one person who understands her. Just one person. But it seems like she will never have that. She sees everyone having fun without her or maybe everyone is having fun because she’s not there.

She looks at her scar again and starts picking at it again. She remembers the day she first decided to hurt herself. These girls were bullying her about her size and she had no one to talk to. She would often cry when she was alone since she didn’t know how to express herself to the world. She felt ugly, disgusting, and worthless. She didn’t understand why people wanted to hurt her, when she didn’t do or say anything to them. The bullies took away everything from her, her confidence, power, and beauty. She believed that if a couple of people insulted her to her face, then everyone must be saying it behind her back. As a result, she felt insecure and weak. She thought her teacher would help her, but her teacher didn’t do anything. Then she realized that no one would help her, no one would stand up for her. So to cope with the bullying, she decided to pick the hair on her skin which formed scars on her arms. Everyday her scars got deeper and deeper while her problems got worse and worse. She refused to tell anyone why she started to pick her arm not even her parents. She kept this pain to herself for so long. It was something that was hers and hers alone. No one could take it away from her. No one could judge her and tell her that she should be grateful for what she has. No one can say that her emotions aren’t valid.

Her scars usually start to go away when she feels better, but on her worst days her scars were as dark as night. She wishes she could have told her best friend this but she could not have understood.

It is 4:30 and she tries to do her homework but she can’t focus. She tries to watch TV, but she can’t enjoy the movie. She glances out her window and looks at the busy road and thinks, ‘what would happen if I stood in the middle of the road and got into a car accident? Would anyone come visit me in the hospital or text me asking if I’m okay? Or would they go about their day as if nothing happened? Do people really care about me or do they care that I even exist? If I was gone would everyone I know forget about me?’. These thoughts scare her a lot. Sometimes she wishes she could turn off her emotions just for one day. It would be such a relief like a burden is being lifted up from her shoulders. However she recognizes that her emotions gave her creativity, humanity, and life. She feels that she is able to empathize with other people because she understands their pain and genuinely wants them to feel better. Not that many people in this world can or want to empathize with others. She feels that she understands happiness because she believes that true happiness comes from knowing deep sorrow. Her emotions also gave her life. She believes that life is an adventure and to truly experience it, she has to go through the ups and the downs. Other she would just be coasting through the adventure, just surviving. Without her emotions, she would be like those pod people from that old movie she once watched. People would be living in a world without love or joy. She knows that she does not want to live in that world. Her emotions are the greatest gift that God could have given her.

All that doesn’t stop her from crying. She thinks about going to the counseling services. It is probably worth a shot. It’s free and the people are there to help you.

NO!!

She can handle it on her own. These are just mood swings which she dealt with before. Even though they have never been this extreme, she can handle mood swings. She is just complaining and whining about her own life and she doesn’t realize how thankful she should be. If she just concentrates on her studies, then it will all be worth it. If her friends are really her friends, they should always be there for her. She should just let the professionals deal with people who are really messed up. She doesn’t want to waste their time.

It’s now about 6 PM so she grabs dinner. She meets up with some friends and has a good time. But after dinner she checks her grades. She did not do as well on her exams as she wanted to. At that moment she feels like glass under so much pressure that it reaches its breaking point. She just shatters and breaks down sobbing. She tries to calm herself down but she can’t even breathe. She sees a knife and thinks about cutting herself. What is the point of my life? What have I contributed to the world? Would anyone care if she was gone? All these thoughts come flooding back to her in one huge wave. It is too much for her to handle. And she knows that this cycle will repeat over and over again but she just wants it to stop. She just wants to be done with everything.

Enough is enough. I don’t want to be crying on a weekly basis. I don’t want to fail all my classes because I have to cram the night before. I don’t want to freak out about how much homework I have to do. I don’t want to have panic attacks. I don’t want to feel completely alone and weak all the time. I just can’t keep living like this anymore. I’m done. She pulls out her computer and logs onto her health portal. She signs up for her first appointment with the counseling services. It’s the first step in a long journey to happiness. Someday she knows that she will get better. Maybe not today but someday.

-Akhila